My Mother, My Self
My formative years were probably the worst times in my life. Life was never simple or sweet or sane. Both of my parents suffer with addictions and our home was an emotional and physical battleground. I was an only child and introverted by nature. The madness at home caused me to retreat even further into my world of isolation and fantasy. I often wonder how my personality would differ today if I had the opportunity to experience meaningful intimate relationships as a child.
Today I struggle with friendship. I am close to my husband and I have a few old friends I keep in touch with, but there is nobody I speak to or hang out with on a regular basis. I have a hard time finding the energy or motivation to develop new friendships. I often wish I had a group of girlfriends I could share my life with, but the truth is I have had plenty of opportunity that I let slide through my fingers. I don’t reach out enough. I convince myself I have nothing to offer. I tell myself that I am too serious or not interesting enough. I wonder what I would have to offer. I am mean to myself.
My mother and I have never been close. She is not a nurturing person and takes very little interest in my life. We have almost nothing in common and struggle to connect intellectually let alone emotionally. It is sometimes hard to believe we share the same biology. Perhaps this is the reason I struggle to form other intimate relationships. If the one person in the world who is supposed to take an interest in you doesn’t, why would you believe anyone else would want to?
Being pregnant with my first child has caused me to reflect on the significant role of mother and confront the disappointment and resentments I have toward my own. I want to heal those wounds so I can be a loving and healthy guide for my children. I don’t want to compensate for what I lacked by being over-involved or emotionally needy. I realize that the only way I can avoid this is to seek comfort, support and companionship from other women. I need to let down my walls.
Filed under: ACOA | Tagged: Addiction, Intimacy, Motherhood, Relationships
They say friends are the new family. I don’t know what I’d do without mine. Actually I do - i’d go even more insane than I am already. Good luck in your foray into the weird and wonderful world of Other Women
What a strong, open post.
I had a bland family upbringing which left me largely ambivalent to friendship. Most of my life I stuck to just two friends (one of those was invisible and the other was me!) As I matured I developed a small handful of acquaintances which was quite enough for a non-gregarious soul. I am not entirely anti-social but in truth I have come to rather enjoy my own company. I like chubby pony’s implication, you can choose your friends but not your family.
Thanks Steph, I’m sure the wold of “Other Women” will become much easier to crack into when I have a baby in tow. Playgroups are common in my area. I feel like I’m becoming somebody I don’t recognize. It’s good though.
Paul I know that you prefer our quiet little abode to the social gatherings (read obligations) I occasionally drag you to. It suits me fine that way too. You are separated from your “handful of acquaintances” by a deep, dark ocean not an emotional wall -but the effect is the same. It’s a good thing we enjoy each other’s company so much!
[...] Dawn presents My Mother, My Self posted at Personal Reflections, Illusions and Shadows, saying, “Hi, I stumbled across this [...]
I know what you mean. I know exactly what you mean.
I always end up alone when it comes to having female friends. I have work friends who are female, but outside of work? No. I did though, I had them but then I feel like maybe I’m not good enough or something or that maybe i am boring. I think I pushed them away? Not on purpose though. I dunno, but I know how you feel. They have everything I don’t then I guess thats where the feeling of not being good enough kicks in..sucks.