The Paradoxical Commandments

Written by Dr. Kent M. Keith, 1968

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Life, Love and Fear

In February of this year my five year old sister became critically ill. She developed a rare, life-threatening illness that brought her horrible pain and suffering. She was put into a medically induced coma and placed on a ventilator for two weeks. My world was shattered. I hoped and prayed and bargained with God. I kept my head up and told everyone I was certain a full recovery was inevitable, but deep down I was terrified. Images of funerals, caskets and gravestones floated in and out of my waking dreams. My faith collapsed each evening only to rise again with the morning sun.

The hours, days, weeks spent sitting beside her and listening to her mechanical breaths brought much growth and wisdom. I stroked her little fingers with one hand and my pregnant belly with the other. I felt my Self slip away and maternal love take over. For the first time in my life I truly understood what it meant to live for another. Peace and serenity come not from seeking pleasure and comfort for myself, but from extending beyond my own needs and wants.

My little sister’s illness has prepared me for the birth of my child. She taught me to let go of the busy-ness and be still. She taught me to let go of the trivial and insignificant details. She taught me to love more and take less. My hope is that I can retain this lesson once the clouds of uncertainty have cleared and the illusion of security is restored.

Marcel

Marcel had been stressing about writing his GEDs for about a month. He worked best with his hands and had never completed high school. Now, 20 years later he had felt compelled to go back to school and earn his diploma. He had overcome depression and battled his addictions. He had started his own business and paid off his debt. He fell in love and made it work. Surely he could do this.

But fear and uncertainty gnawed in his gut. He had difficulties reading and writing as a child and was labeled a “slow learner” despite being highly creative and sociable. He knew that the extra tutoring he received during recess wasn’t because he was “extra special”. He knew he was dumb.

Today, Marcel walked into the brightly lit kitchen with a small brown envelope in his hand. He sat down at the table and slowly opened the letter. With careful precision he tore along one edge and pulled out a neatly folded document. I watched his eyes move from left to right a few times and then he looked up and breathed a long deep sigh. A smile formed and he looked at me from across the table.

“I did it. I passed the test.”

“Congratulations Marcel.”

“You know what I’m going to do now?” He placed his elbows on the table, leaned into the sunshine and closed his eyes. “I’m going to celebrate with a nice, cold glass of water.”

“You do that Marcel, you do that.”

*****

Sometimes it really is the simple things in life. A passing grade, a beam of sunshine, a nice, cold glass of water. Thanks Marcel.

My Mother, My Self

My formative years were probably the worst times in my life. Life was never simple or sweet or sane. Both of my parents suffer with addictions and our home was an emotional and physical battleground. I was an only child and introverted by nature. The madness at home caused me to retreat even further into my world of isolation and fantasy. I often wonder how my personality would differ today if I had the opportunity to experience meaningful intimate relationships as a child.

Today I struggle with friendship. I am close to my husband and I have a few old friends I keep in touch with, but there is nobody I speak to or hang out with on a regular basis. I have a hard time finding the energy or motivation to develop new friendships. I often wish I had a group of girlfriends I could share my life with, but the truth is I have had plenty of opportunity that I let slide through my fingers. I don’t reach out enough. I convince myself I have nothing to offer. I tell myself that I am too serious or not interesting enough. I wonder what I would have to offer. I am mean to myself.

My mother and I have never been close. She is not a nurturing person and takes very little interest in my life. We have almost nothing in common and struggle to connect intellectually let alone emotionally. It is sometimes hard to believe we share the same biology. Perhaps this is the reason I struggle to form other intimate relationships. If the one person in the world who is supposed to take an interest in you doesn’t, why would you believe anyone else would want to?

Being pregnant with my first child has caused me to reflect on the significant role of mother and confront the disappointment and resentments I have toward my own. I want to heal those wounds so I can be a loving and healthy guide for my children. I don’t want to compensate for what I lacked by being over-involved or emotionally needy. I realize that the only way I can avoid this is to seek comfort, support and companionship from other women. I need to let down my walls.

Do You Realize?

Free Your Mind

I have always been intrigued by the psychology behind personal growth and lasting change. Some people seem to be able to morph into entirely new beings with relative ease. What is their secret? Do they have some kind of tenacity gene that I’m lacking? Probably not.

I think for the most part it boils down to our perceptions about the changes we are implementing. We need to foster the belief that we really want to be doing what we have chosen to do. For example, if I tell myself “I’m not allowed to eat cake” I will probably feel deprived. However, if I tell myself “I’d rather have a delicious red apple instead of that piece of cake because I love and respect my body” then I will feel much better about my choice.

People don’t have behavioral issues so much as they have thinking issues. If we focus on thinking differently we will soon start behaving differently. All too often we put the cart before the horse trying to feel better by doing better, but really we need to be focused more on changing our minds than our actions. Let’s look at some common goals many people have trouble accomplishing and the limiting beliefs that accompany them.

• “I want to lose weight but exercise is boring.”
• “I’d like to work in a different field but I don’t think I’m qualified or smart enough.”
• “I want to be in a meaningful relationship but I feel I have nothing to offer.”

Of course we rarely tell ourselves the truth about why we don’t accomplish our goals. We shift the focus from internal beliefs to external forces. We tell ourselves there isn’t enough time to exercise, that all the good jobs in our area are already taken and that we don’t cross paths with people we’d like to date. It is only by confronting our limiting beliefs and acknowledging the lies we tell ourselves that we can begin to move forward in our goals.

What stumbling blocks have you encountered on your journey to becoming the person you want to be? Fear, laziness, addiction and hopelessness are among the many barriers that prevent us from reaching our full potential. Challenge yourself to explore the limiting beliefs and distorted perceptions that are keeping you stuck in old patterns. Think about behaviors you would like to change or a goal you would like to accomplish and then confront any lies you might be telling yourself about why you have not yet reached your goal. Replace the limiting belief with an alternative possibility -one that will help rather than hinder your progress. For example, focus on the high you feel when you have just finished exercising and tell yourself you can’t wait to feel that way again. You can choose to change your mind. By thinking in new ways we begin to feel differently about our situation and our behaviors will change accordingly.

In the words of En Vogue, “Free your mind and the rest will follow.”

Things to Remember

Max Ehrmann

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

*****

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.